Desmond Tiny's Lion King?
by psychodramabeautyfish
Summary: MrTiny makes his own version of LionKing. and not all goes to plan. disclaimer: neither lion king nor the darren shan characters are mine im just playing with them for a bit until my hyperness wears off. YES I AM INCLUDING THE SONGS!
1. Chapter 1

Movie – THE LION KING

CAST

Mufasa – LARTEN

Sarabi - ARRA

Simba – DARREN

Narla - DEBBIE

Scar – STEVE

Shenzi – GANNEN

Banzai – R.V.

Timone – KURDA

Pumba – VANCHA

Rafiki – SEBA

Zazu - MIKA

DIRECTOR – MR. DESMOND TINY

CAMERA MAN – GAVNER PURL

COSTUME AND MAKE-UP – EVANNA

(note: movie scenes are never shot in chronological order)

1

Darren studied the script.

"Ok so… I hit him?" he said, pointed at Gannen, who was wrestling with his animal ears.

"Pretty much." Said Mr. Tiny. "You can hit him hard if you want, it'll be more authentic that way. Well actually you scratch him."

"Erm.. ok." Gulped Darren.

"Gannen!" Mr. Tiny roared at the Vampaneze, "You chase Darren up the slope trying to get at Debbie, then Darren hits you and you growl menacingly at the camera, got it?"

The Vampaneze grunted in reply, now tugging at his hyena tail.

"Right, positions – Debbie, Darren, Gannen, R.V. and any random hyena extra, I don't care which. We all ready? Ok, ACTION!"

Darren and Debbie launched themselves at the bone covered slope, scrambling up it as the three Vampaneze/hyenas closed in on them.

Darren was just nearing the top when Kurda screamed:

"Simba!"

Darren turned to see the girl falling down the slope, accidentally on purpose, as Gannen bounded up behind him.

He shot back down and lunged at Gannen, aiming to slap him lightly, but his momentum was propelling him so hard that his hand smacked into Gannen's face harder than he'd intended, his sharp nails leaving three deep scratches across his left cheek.

Meaning to carry on with the take, he grabbed Debbie and they scrambled back up the slope as the camera zoomed in on Gannen.

"Cut!" Yelled Mr. Tiny. "That was fabulous! Well done Darren! I didn't expect you to be so vindictive but it came off excellently! And then close up on you Gannen was wonderful! Such pure rage! Fabulous! And Gannen stop scowling, it's not that bad – and even if it is no one cares. Ironic injury though."

Darren cringed apologetically in Gannen's direction.

Gannen glared at him, rubbing spit into the three cuts on his face. "You just wait until there's no one else around…" he growled.

Darren squeaked and hid behind Kurda.

2

"And if it weren't for you he'd still be alive." Said Steve, then gasped. "Oh…What will you mother think?

Darren recoiled, a look of horror on his face. "What will I do?"

"Run away Simba." Whispered Steve, leaning down to Darren's level. "Run away and never return!"

Darren ran and left Steve sitting there.

And sitting there.

And sitting there.

"HYENAS!" Roared Mr. Tiny.

"You shoutin' man?" yelled R.V. from across the studio.

"YES I AM!" Screamed the short man. "YOU EMANT TO BE ON STAGE! R.V., GANNEN AND THAT RANDOM EXTRA!"

"The extras gone to take a sh-"

"I DON'T CARE! GET ANOTHER ONE!"

3

"Run away Simba." Whispered Steve, leaning down to Darren's level. "Run away and never return!"

Darren ran and left Steve sitting there and, on cue for once, Gannen, R.V. and a random Vampaneze/hyena extra appeared out of the mist.

"Kill him." Ordered Steve with no emotion.

Outside of the take, Darren locked expressions with Gannen, who grinned sadistically.

The three Vampaneze ran past the camera.

"Cut!"

"HELP!" Darren yelped and ran out of the door and down the Hall, Gannen hot on his heels, brandishing the stick he'd grabbed off Seba as he ran past.

4

"This stinks." Gasped Kurda.

"Oh sorry…" said Vancha.

"No, it REALLY STINKS! What is that?! Gods Vancha when was the last time you had a BATH?!"

Vancha squealed and curled into a ball, then started rocking back and forth, shivering.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Kurda.

"Don't say B-A-T-H when Vancha's around!" Yelled Gannen from the other side of the studio. "It gives him nightmares!"

"Oh…" said Kurda, patting the quivering Vancha on the head. "Sorry Vancha."

5

"Waddaya want me to do?! Dress in drag an' do the hula?!" Screamed Kurda in exasperation.

Vancha whistled suggestivly. "Yea! Come on Kurda! Get you Hula skirt out babe!"

Kurda hit him over the head with his script.

6

"Now this looks familiar…" Steve read off the script. "Oh yes I remember! This was just the way you father looked before he died!"

Darren studied the stage directions.

"Hanging off a cliff above a raging fire… Steve above me… HANG ON A MINUTE!"

"Problems?" inquired Mr. Tiny innocently.

"Are you trying to make a point or something?" raged Darren.

"What are you talking abo- oh." Said Steve, reading it himself. "Oh I like thiiiiiis. I like this a lot!"

"Isn't this running a little to close to reality?" snapped Darren.

Mr. Tiny shrugged. "The more realistic the better, you know how to act better." He added with and evil smile.

Darren scowled, and Steve grinned.

7

"Ah… My friends." Said Steve in relief.

"Friends?" asked Gannen, surprised and wicked in one. "I thought he said we were the enemy?!"

"Yea…" mused R.V. "That's what I heard…"

Steve went pale as they advanced on him.

"No.. no you don't understand.. no… no! NOOOOOOOOOO!" He screamed, as both Vampaneze pounced and began to tickled him mercilessly.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

…because my little sister was watching lion king…


	2. Chapter 2

8

"Can we just do the scene?" grumbled Steve. "This is the one I most wanna do!"

"Watch it!" growled Darren.

"What?" asked Steve, his expression all puppy eyed innocence.

"We all know why you want to do this scene so stop rubbing it in!" hissed the youngest vampire prince.

"Don't be a sore looser." Shot back Steve, already making his way to the top of the cliff.

"OK!" shouted Mr. Tiny. "Into positions boys!"

Reluctantly, Larten and Darren made their way to their positions. Steve was already eagerly waiting in his.

"ACTION!"

Steve sat and smirked at the Vampire/Lion struggling to climb up the cliff.

"ACTION!"

Steve grinned.

"GOD DAMMIT STEVE LEONARD I SAID ACTION!"

Taking this as his cue, Steve swooped forward and dug his claws into Larten's hands/paws.

Larten yelled in pain. "YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO-"

Steve cut him off with the line he'd been waiting for since they began, drawing it out slowly.

"Long live the king."

Then he pushed him backwards with an insane grin.

Darren screamed on cue, and so did Larten, then Larten hit the safety net which was positioned 10 feet below him…

…and it collapsed.

"LEONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!" He screamed as he disappeared down into the river at the bottom of the ravine with a large splash.

Steve smirked again.

9

"Just wait until I get my hands on him…" fumed Larten after they'd retrieved him from the river, shaking water from his orange fur.

"Trade." Suggested Gannen immediately. "Steve for Darren."

"Tempting but forget it." Grunted Larten.

"Dang…" Gannen muttered, and slunk off into his corner again.

10

"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" Screamed MR. Tiny as Larten stopped yet another take to adjust his mane. "I'm sick of these crap costumes!"

He snapped his fingers and there was an enormous puff of smoke and all the characters disappeared…

…and three hyenas, one meacat, one warthog, one bird, five lions and one baboon materialized where they had been standing.

"What the?" gasped Larten, realizing that all his limbs and muscles were in the wrong place.

"What did you do??" cried Debbie, glancing behind her too confirm what she'd thought – she had a tail.

"What do you think her did?" shot back Arra, feeling funny now that she was no longer bipedal.

Darren stumbled in a few circles, trying to get the feel of having four feet and no arms.

"What did you do to us man?" howled R.V., wandering around Gannen, who was desperately trying to use his front paw to get at an itch on his nose and falling over.

"This is terrible!" screamed Mika, giving his wings an experimental flap.

"You meddling, stupid-" began Vancha, nearly keeling over in shock as he caught sight of himself in a reflective surface.

"Hey… why does the world look so much bigger?" asked Kurda, coming up next to Vancha to examine himself in the mirror and bursting into tears. "I'm tiny!!" he cried in distress. "And I've got fur!! This can't be happening!!"

"Swee-eet…" cooed Steve, giving the word two syllables as he examined his new, deadly claws, in total contrast to everyone else.

"You turned us all into animals!" screamed Mika.

"Glad you've caught up Mika." Said Mr. Tiny sarcastically.

"And you think you have it bad…" muttered a voice form behind them all.

They all turned to look at Seba…

…and burst into hysterical laughter.

"I never thought I would see anything so amusing…" gasped Larten, tears of mirth trickling down his now furry face.

The baboon scowled at him.

"This is not funny Larten!"

11

"I'm a rodeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeent…"

"KURDA SHUT UP!" Roared Vancha.

"But I've got fuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrr!"

"NO ONE CARES!" Screamed Larten.

"And I'm less that a foot taaaaaaaaaaaaaaall!"

"SHUT IT!" Bellowed Arra.

"I have a taaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiilll!"

"SOMEONE MAKE HIM SHUT UP!" Yelled Steve.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa…"

"DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE ANIMAL CONTROL PEOPLE!" Shouted Mika.

"Change me baaaaaaaack!"

"MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!" Screeched Debbie.

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top?"

"KURDA!"

"Calm down everyone." Said Seba, appearing on the scene with a large glass tank.

He picked Kurda up by the tail- "Ouch! Seba that huuuuuuuuuurts!" -and plopped him into the tank- "You can't put me in theeeeeeeere!"- and sealed the lid.

The incessant whining ceased immediately, and everyone took their hands away from their ears.


	3. Chapter 3

12

"I saved you." Announced Kurda proudly.

Vancha glared at him.

"Well… Pumba helped." Corrected Kurda. "A little."

"Thanks for your help." Muttered Darren, slinking off.

"Say he looks blue…" commented Kurda.

"I'd say brownish gold!" Replied Vancha.

Kurda smacked his forehead. "No on no no, I meant he's depressed."

"Oh…"

"Is this another parallel to reality scene?" asked Kurda. "Regarding Vancha's intelligence?"

Vancha smiled pleasantly at him. "Come here Kurda, I think you need a hug."

Kurda's squeals turned into gags of disgust as he was enveloped in a very very very smelly bear hug.

13

"I don't wanna talk about it." Mumbled Darren, looking appropriately downcast.

"Good! We don't wanna hear about it!" Said Kurda with a grin.

"With your usual tact…" muttered Darren.

14

"At times like this my buddy Timone here says: u gotta put your behind in your past!" Said Vancha proudly.

There was muffled laughter.

"It's in the script!" Cried Vancha defensively.

15

"I'm stuffed" Said Darren happily.

"Me too!" Groaned Vancha with a grin. "I eat like a pig!"

"YOU ARE A PIG!" Came a chorus from everyone else in the studio.

"Hey!" yelled Vancha. "That was uncalled for!"

"Stink like one too…" muttered Kurda.

"Very well then Kurda," grinned Vancha. "Have some stink." He grabbed Kurda and rubbed his stinky animal-hide-clad arms all over the blonde.

Kurda screamed and struggled to get away. "Nooo! I don't want to smell like a gorilla with a wind problem!!"

"ENOUGH MUCKING AROUND! DO THE SCENE! NOW!" Screamed Mr. Tiny.

"Ok ok…" Mumbled Vancha. "Just having some fun…"

"Action!"

"Pumba, you are a pig." Said Darren.

"I thought I told you to bug off?!" cried Vancha.

"It's in the script!" retorted Darren.

"Oh…"

16

"Life's not fair is it?" Sighed Steve, and then: "Why am I talking to a mouse?!"

"Because you're a poor excuse for a lion!" Roared mr. tiny. " SO just get on with it!"

Steve scowled and carried on. "Even I, shall never be king. And you, shall never see the light of another day."

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?" Cut in Mika.

"What do u want?" growled Steve.

"Just pointing that out." Replied mika.

"Eh???" said steve.

Mika looked confused.

"That line's in the script mika!" yelled Darren from a little way off.

"Really?"

"Yes so just GET ON WITH IT!" shouted Mr. Tiny.

"Fine fine…" muttered Mika. "I'm here to announce that king Mufasa is on his way so you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony this morning."

Steve dropped the mouse and tried to make it look accidental. "Oh look Zazu you made me loose my lunch."

"Ha! You'll loose more than that when the king gets through with you." Mika was reading off the script which was taped to the wall behind Steve. "He's as mad as a… hippo with a… hernia?"

Steve pulled his best evil expression and advanced on Mika. "Ooooh I quiver with fear!"

"Now Scar, don't look at me that way… HELP!!" Screamed Mika, as Steve chased him around the room with delight.

17

"SARABI!" Thundered Steve.

Arra made her way up the slope, trying very hard not to react to the jeering hyena-come-Vampaneze extras either side of her.

_Just acting just acting just acting…_ she chanted in her head.

"Yes Scar?" She said through gritted teeth.

"Where is your hunting party?"

"Scar there is no food."

"Yes there is! You're just not looking hard enough!"

"The herds have moved on – we must leave pride rock."

"Never!"

"ARRA SAILS!" Screamed Mr Tiny. "CAN YOU AT LEAST TRY TO PUT SOME EMOTION INTO THIS?!"

"Then you have sentenced us to death!" snapped Arra angrily.

"So be it!" Shrugged Steve.

"You can't do that!" The vampiress gasped in disbelief.

"I am the king! I can do whatever I want!" Snorted Steve, turning his back on her.

"If you were half the king mufasa was…" Arra began.

"Shut up!" Shouted Steve, rounding on her and aiming to hit her.

But was cut short as she punched him on the nose before he could get there. "Don't you dare!"

Steve reeled back as his nose crunched sickeningly and blood began to pour out.

"Woo! Go Arra!" Cheered Larten, raising his coffee cup in salute.

"Now that served you right!" cried Debbie.

Vancha and Darren wooped enthusiastically, and even Mika's mouth twitched upwards – after Seba brandished a poisonous spider in front of him and threatened to slip it into this coffin when he wasn't looking that is.

Kurda sighed at the spectacle and went back to his cup of tea, muttering about unnecessary violence and bringing out first aid kit from under his chair.

Steve shook his head to try and bring the world back into focus, twitched his nose experimentally, winced in pain and then said thickly to Arra with a hopeful grin:

"Shall we just call it square then?"

Arra sniggered.

"CUT!" Screamed Mr. Tiny, ignoring Steve. "Enough messing about! But nice punch Arra, very well placed to cause maximum amount of pain… Anyway, I want that re-done! But this time I want you to be SARABI Gannen. Arra you can go stand over there and be a back up lioness."

"What the Hell?!" cried Gannen, his hair standing on end. "That's not fair! I'm not doing a drag act!"

Vancha whistled and gagged in the same movement – it was ok when it was Kurda, not ok when it was his brother!

"Did I say it was fair?? I want realistic acting! I want CHEMISTRY between characters – I'm not getting any between Steve and Arra! Steve's acting is perfect! Arra's I'm not even going to comment on!!!! And this is a good set up for you two! I'm sure I watched a similar scene between you during the war of the scars! It won't hurt you to do it again!"

Steve re-read the script, using a wad of paper towels Kurda had handed to him to stop the blood flow at his nose. His hair was standing on end in rage. "Will you quit it with the parallel to reality scenes old man?!" he hissed.

Gannen came up to read over his shoulder and snarled crossly when Steve read it quietly to him.

Darren and Larten sniggered behind their scripts.

"See how you like it you little shit…" muttered Vancha darkly.

"No." said Gannen.

"Forget it." Agreed Steve.

"Now boys…" cooed Mr. Tiny, clicking his fingers – and a crack appeared in the ceiling. "Unless you want to see the colour of your own insides…"

"OK OK!" Snapped Steve.

"…Fine." Said Gannen, following Steve's lead.

"Does that mean I can leave?" asked Arra, suddenly and suspiciously enthusiastic.

"NO!"

Arra swore and went to sit on Larten's lap to sulk.

"But that doesn't make sense." Pointed out Darren, reading his script for his next entrance; as soon as Scar sent Sarabi flying. "Why do I get cross if Steve hits Gannen?"

Larten nudged him. "It is called acting you prat!"

Gannen scowled. "You're just setting things up so I get hit all the time!" he moaned at Mr. Tiny.

Mr. Tiny waved a hand at him to be quiet, listening to Vancha, who was whispering to him.

Gannen's eyes narrowed.

Vancha caught his glare and smiled a far too fake smile before wandering off with his hands in his pockets, whistling innocently.

18

"Something's definitely wrong here…" muttered Gannen, wandering in circles.

"Yea man, you're a hyena!" replied R.V. "But it ain't so bad – I've got hands! Look! Well paws… But still!! It's so cool man! Don't you think?"

"But something's wrong!" moaned Gannen, his circling becoming more agitated.

Another hyena – who had been a Vampaneze extra – came padding over.

"Hey guys."

R.V. took a second to recognize the voice. "Hey man."

"This is weird isn't it?" Said Glalda, flopping down beside him.

"Yea man… but look! I got my hands back!"

"Who's your friend?" Asked Glalda, in a tone Gannen wasn't sure was entirely appropriate.

"It's me you idiot!" he growled, still pacing in circles.

Glalda looked confused.

"Gannen!" snapped Gannen angrily.

Glalda looked even more confused, before another hyena came over, paid no attention to Glalda and R.V., but stopped nose to nose with Gannen.

"What?" demanded Gannen angrily.

The other hyena said nothing.

"That's a real hyena!" shouted MR Tiny from somewhere behind the set.

The three had-been Vampaneze didn't bother wondering how he'd known to say that.

Gannen ignored the other hyena and flopped down a few feet away, still depressed.

A few seconds later-

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"What's the matter?" gasped Darren, who had come running when he'd heard the yell, most of the cast behind him.

Gannen snarled at the other hyena angrily, hackles raised. Glalda and R.V. were rolling around on the floor laughing.

The other hyena just wandered off, slightly miffed.

"What was that about?" asked the lioness that was Debbie, mystified.

"I didn't know you got gay hyenas man…" giggled R.V.

"Eh?" said Darren, his eyes going wide.

"Never mind man, you're probably too young to hear it!" gasped R.V., trying to get over his laughter before saying to Gannen: "I think I know what's wrong man!"

"What?" snapped Gannen.

Steve quickly scanned the front page of his script and erupted into laughter.

"What?!"

"It says here that…" he broke of laughing.

"-that Shenzi is female." Finished Mr Tiny, striding over from between the cardboard trees.

Gannen's expression did something VERY peculiar and the entire cast burst into hysterical laughter.

19

Darren strutted up to the cave opening. "I laugh in the face of danger! Hahahaha!"

From inside the cave came cackling, and Darren leapt away from it as three Vampaneze dressed as hyenas came slinking out into the light.

"Well well well Banzai, what have we here?" Asked the one with long hair.

"Well I dunno Shenzi!" Replied the one with hooks for hands. "What'd'you think Ed?"

The Vampaneze in the immaculate white suit giggled like a maniac.

"Just what I was thinking," cooed the one with the hooks. "A trio of trespassers!"

The three advanced on Debbie, Darren and Mika, grinning fit to burst.

Mika began to apologize rapidly. "A slight navigational error I assure you, so we'll just-"

Gannen stopped him. "Woa woa wait wait wait! I know you – your Mufasa's little stooge!" He leered at Mika, who puffed himself up angrily.

"Don't speak to me like that you empty headed-"

"MIKA STICK TO THE SCRIPT!" Yelled Mr. Tiny.

20

"Woa woa wait wait wait! I know you – your Mufasa's little stooge!"

R.V. circled Debbie and Darren. "And that would make you?"

"Future king!" spat Darren.

Gannen looked down at him. "D'you know what we do to vampires that- oh shit sorry!"

21

"D'you know what we do to kings that step outta their kingdom?"

Darren looked contemptuous. "You cant do anything to me!"

"Er technically they can. We are on their land!" Cut in Mika.

Darren looked confused. "But Zazu, you said they were nothing but slimy mangy slobbering stupid vultures!"

Off stage, Steve bristled. "Say that again you little- and I'll stick my sword so far down your throat that I'll be able to pull the label off your boxers!"

22

"X-nay on the oopid-stay…" muttered Mika.

"Who're you called an oopid-stay?" demanded R.V.

"My my my!" gabbled Mika. "Look at the time! Its time to go!"

Gannen blocked their way out. "Whats the hurry? We'd love for you to stay for dinner!"

"Yea!" Agreed R.V. "We can have whatever _**lion**_ around!" He began to giggle.

Gannen waved him quiet. "Wait wait wait I got one I got one! Make mine a **cub **sandwich! What'd'ya think?" he giggled too, although it was VERY obviously forced.

Murlough began to gabble, pulling on Gannen's sleeve.

"What?!"

"Hey!" Cried R.V. "Did we order this dinner to go?"

"No, why?"

"Cos there it goes!!!" Screamed R.V.

Gannen scowled at him. "That's such a crap joke!"

"Oh and CUB SANDWICH is any better?!" scoffed R.V.

"Lion around?" asked Gannen.

"WELL I DON'T WRITE THE BLOODY SCRIPT!"

23

"Lousy Creps- MUFASA!" Scowled R.V. "Man I won't be able to sit for a week!"

Murlough giggled.

"…it's not funny Mu- ED! … shut up!"

R.V. pounced on Murlough when the other didn't stop giggling and they began to fight.

"Will you knock it off!" Yelled Gannen angrily.

"He started it!" pouted R.V.

Gannen glared at him. "Look at you guys… no wonder we're dangling at the bottom of the food chain!!"

R.V. scowled. "Man I hate dangling."

"If it weren't for those damn Vam- LIONS we'd be running the joint!" continued Gannen.

"Man I hate Vam- LIONS!" muttered R.V.

Gannen came up behind him. "SO pushy!"

R.V. pulled a face. "And hairy!"

Gannen grinned. "And stinky!"

Then they both cackled together as Vancha came back in from a loo break: "And man are they UUUUUGGGLIIII!!!!"

They both dissolved into genuine laughter, drowning out Steve's entering line.

24

The three Vampaneze skidded down the slope, and R.V. managed to stop himself before he went flying over the edge into the bramble thicket.

Gannen slammed into the back of him but he just about stayed on the edge.

Then Murlough barreled into both of them and R.V. shot off the edge into the brambles.

R.V. screamed as he was impaled on a thousand tiny spikes instead of landing in the safety net he had expected.

25

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Howled R.V. trying to pull the spines out of his skin. "You BASTARD!!"

Mr. Tiny looked placid. "Well off course I used real brambles R.V., this isn't some cheap film with unrealistic and tacky props!"

The other two Vampaneze dissolved into genuine laughter.

26

Tears of mirth trickled down Murlough's face as R.V. hauled himself back onto the outcrop, covered into needles.

Gannen recovered long enough to point out:

"Hey! There he goes! There he goes!"

"Well go get him!" spat R.V.

Gannen sniggered. "There ain't no way I'm going in there! You want me to come out looking like you?" Then he added: "Cactus butt!"

R.V. glowered at him. "So how we meant to finish him off?"

Gannen shrugged. "He's as good as dead out there anyway, and IF he comes back, we'll kill him!"

"If…" repeated Murlough. "If is good…"

"THAT'S THE WRONG FILM!" screeched Darren from across the set. "THAT'S HERCULES!"

27

"Him, her. Alooooooone." Said Kurda, leaning his head on his linked fingers and fluttering his eyelids in demonstration.

"What's wrong with that?!" questioned Vancha.

"I can see what's happening," said Kurda shrewdly.

"What?!"

"And they don't have a clue. They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line: our trios down to two! And with all this romantic atmosphere… DISASTER'S IN THE AIR!"

Vancha snickered. "Kurda you can't sing."

"Oh sod off, I did professional singing once."

"Would that have been when you were nine-years old in the school choir?" sniggered Vancha.

"YOU will be singing soprano in a minute if you don't leave me alone!" shrieked Kurda.

28

"Ooh I shall practice my curtsey." Said Steve.

"Go on then!" Yelled the three Vampaneze in the corner.

"It's called sarcasm!" yelled back Steve.

"Young Murlough would like to see Steve curtsey like a little girly." Giggled Murlough, to the effect that R.V. and Gannen shifted a few inches away from him.

Mr. Tiny saw an opportunity for humiliation. "Go on then Steve, give us a curtsey."

"WHAT?!" yelled Steve.

"I said…" began Mr. Tiny warningly, and a few bits of paneling fell from the ceiling.

"NO EFFING WAY!"

A tile fell to the floor and smashed over Steve's head.

"Alright alright…" he growled, doing a funny little half-curtsey.

Darren giggled.

"Happy? Right can we get back to the scene now?" snarled Steve.

Mr. Tiny smiled demurely. "Fine by me. ACTION!"

"Do not turn your back on me scar!" Fumed Larten

"Oh no Mufasa, maybe you shouldn't turn your back on me." Said Steve, turning.

"Is that a challenge?!" Roared Larten, right in the Vampaneze Lord's face.

"Temper temper. I wouldn't dream of challenging you." Cooed Steve mockingly.

"Pity! Why not?" Spat Mika.

"Well as far as brains go I got the lion's share but when it comes to brute strength? I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool." Sighed Steve theatrically and wandering off.

Mika sighed. "There's one in every family sire, two in mine actually, and they always manage to ruin special occasions."

"What am I going to do with him?" muttered Larten.

"I'm sure you can think of something…"

"MIKA!" Screamed Mr. Tiny.

Mika scowled and then said:

"…he'd make a very handsome throw rug."

"Zazu!" Larten chastised him, although he was liking the idea.

"Just think," carried on Mika. "Every time he gets dirty you can take him out and beat him!"

Larten turned to Gannen. "Are you still willing to trade Steve for Darren?"

29

"Him, her. Alooooooone." Said Kurda, leaning his head on his linked fingers and fluttering his eyelids in demonstration.

"What's wrong with that?!" questioned Vancha.

"I can see what's happening," said Kurda shrewdly.

"What?!"

"And they don't have a clue. They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line: our trios down to two! And with all this romantic atmosphere… DISASTER'S IN THE AIR!"

Vancha snickered. "Kurda you can't sing."

"Oh sod off, I did professional singing once."

"Would that have been when you were nine-years old in the school choir?" sniggered Vancha.

"YOU will be singing soprano in a minute if you don't leave me alone!" shrieked Kurda.


	4. Chapter 4

30

"Oh, surely we lions aren't all that bad." Cooed Steve.

All three Vampaneze started, then relaxed when they saw Steve.

"Oh _**Steve**_ it's _**just**_ _**you**_." Said R.V. sweetly.

"Yea," agreed Gannen, smiling insolently up at his superior. "We were worried it was someone _**important."**_

"Like _**Creepy Crepsley!"**_ cried R.V.

"Cut out rubbing it in!" Screeched Steve.

"Whatcha gonna do bout it?" sang R.V.

"I'll have you all doing slave labour or worse when we get back to where-ever-it-is-the-Vampaneze-meet-up-seeing-as-we-don't-have-our-own-mountain!"

"Is that it?" scoffed Gannen.

Steve grinned like a Cheshire care and whispered suggestively. "Not for you it isn't."

Someone let out a wolf-whistle – it was probably Vancha.

31

"Oh, surely we lions aren't all that bad."

"Oh Scar it's just you."

"Yea, we thought it was somebody important."

"Like Mufasa!"

"Exactly."

"Yea, now that's power!" said R.V. hesitantly.

"Tell me about it, I hear that name and I shudder!" replied Gannen – just as hesitantly.

They were both reading off a script that Steve was holding up a few metres away.

"Mufasa!" hissed R.V.

Gannen found it difficult to shudder on cue. "Do it again!"

"Mufasa!"

The false shuddering was getting easier.

"Mufasa Mufasa Mufasa!"

Darren and Debbie appeared from the broom closet they'd mysteriously chosen to 'sit' in.

"That really sounds like something it shouldn't." Said Debbie.

"Looks like it too." Agreed Darren. "I mean are you getting-"

"Yes yes yes Darren! Ok! Enough! Young ears present!" Cut in Evra Von, pointing to the four eagerly listening children who were visiting the set for the day.

"I know what he means!" Scoffed Darius. "It ain't nothing new!"

"Ooh what?" Said Shancus immediately, sensing that it was something rude.

"And what do you mean by that?" inquired Debbie.

Darius eyed Gannen – who seemed to have suddenly found something very interesting on his shoe - and then looked at Steve, but before he could open his mouth:

"Oh dear just look at the time! Time to go home Darius!" Said Steve briskly.

And with that he ushered Darius out the room quick.

32

"Darren?" Inquired Mr. Crepsley, earning himself a kick on the shin. "I mean, Simba what are you doing?"

"Pouncing." Replied Darren, the perfect picture of mournful innocence.

"Let an old professional show you how it is done." Said Mr. Crepsley. "Mik, Zazu can you turn around please?"

"I have better things to be doing…" Grumbled Mika, but turned his back all the same. "What's going on Larten?"

"A pouncing lesson."

"Oh good. POUNCING?!" Said Mika, managing to shout in monotone. "YOU CANT BE SERIOUS! This is so humiliating..." The last sentence was said with absolute conviction.

"GOTCHA!" Yelled Darren, leaping onto Mika's back and clinging there like a limpet. "Onward Quicksilver! Come on!"

"Get. Off." Said Mika, trying to prevent his long black hair from getting ripped out of his scalp.

"Oh don't be such a crab!" Cried Darren. "Just to the other side of the studio?"

"Will you get off?"

"After that yea. Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Fine."

Vancha pulled out a bag of popcorn, discretely handing Darren a large gold coin as Mika stomped past him.

33

"Hey uncle Scar, guess what!" Cried Darren happily.

Steve groaned and covered his ears muttering: "It's like Darius all over again… I _despise_ guessing games can't you get that into your head?"

Darren growled quietly but tried to carry on. "I'm gonna be king of pride rock!"

Steve glared at him, seeing an elder version of his own son instead of his ex best friend, far too perky. "Oh goody." He said sarcastically.

"Dad just showed me the whole kingdom, and I'm gonna rule it all!" Bragged Darren.

"You go Princey-Poos." Cheered Steve, with ultimate sarcasm.

34

"Dad just showed me the whole kingdom, and I'm gonna rule it all!"

"I have a headache already…" mumbled Steve. "Yes well forgive me for not **leaping** for joy – bad back you know."

"That's cos you're getting' OLD!" jeered Darren, unable to resist.

"At least I don't look like a five year old!" Shot back Steve.

"At least I'm not prematurely greying!"

"At least I'm not less than five feet tall!"

"At least I'm not a psycho!"

"At least I haven't got a stick up my butt!"

"At least I'm not going to turn purple!"

"At least I'm not bald!"

"…yeah but… You're getting old!"

"Haha! Out of insults! You loose!" jeered Steve.

35

"Step lively. The sooner we get to there, the sooner we can leave." Said Mika stiffly.

"If it wasn't for the 'step lively' he wouldn't've had to act at all!" Darren whispered to Debbie.

Debbie giggled before saying her line. "So were're we really going?"

"An elephant graveyard."

"Ew!" squealed Debbie. "That's gross! Is that your idea of an ideal date?! A bunch of rotting corpses? I don't call that a romantic meal! You're disgusting Darren Shan!!"


End file.
